Struggles of the Sex Addict's Partner

Spouses and partners of sex addicts often related to feelings lonesomeness and seclusion. Initially, these feelings begin when the addicted partner is acting out. It is at this point in time that the betrayed partner may not be able to identify what is wrong, however, often sense the addict’s distance and becomes guarded themselves.

Trying to analyze what has changed in the relationship can be draining. Many times partners begin to feel as though they may be going crazy. They know something is not right, however they are not able to verbalize what is wrong. Often times, when the spouse attempts to confront the addicted person, he denies everything, frequently accusing the betrayed partner of acting irrational, imagining things, or being exaggeratedly self-conscious.

The betrayed spouse may begin to doubt her own sense of what is real and what is not. She may recognize her attempt to control the situation, but is unclear on what needs to be controlled. When a partner attempts to explain to family and friends what she is experiencing, often times it is difficult for family and friends to understand the problem. A partner can begin to feel shame, and is uncertain what that shame is about.

There are other times when the betrayed spouse knows what is going on; the acting out. The addict may not have admitted their behavior or considered recovery, but the partner has made a discovery of behaviors. The spouse may feel embarrassed and wonder if there is something wrong, something she did, to cause the acting out behavior.

The partner may not want to risk sharing the addict’s behaviors or their pain with family or friends. There may be fear those people who could be a support system may judge their decisions about the relationship. The partner may not wish to hear opinions from family and friends who may give advice on whether to stay or leave. Fears that others have known all along, and that they view the partner as naive may also surface for the betrayed.

Pain Does Not Disappear Because The Addict Enters Recovery

Even after the addicted partner enters treatment, isolation and seclusion can, and often does, continue. While it is a relief to have the addict getting help and becoming healthier, it can be unsatisfying to have time and energy dedicated outside the home as the addict enters treatment, commits to regular therapy, and begins involvement in 12 step meeting attendance. The betrayed spouse can develop resentments due to time spent away and believe she continues to carry the family and parenting responsibilities alone. Additionally, isolation can also occur when family and friends share opinions once they discover the addict’s behaviors. Well-intentioned family and friends can react in ways that are not supportive and can feel shaming. Some responses can lead to the betrayed spouse feeling guilty for wanting to leave or wanting to stay in the relationship.

Those reactions might include statements like:

• “Why would you leave when he just started seeing a therapist?”
• “You should not leave, what would you tell the children?”
• “How could you leave her at her most helpless moment?”

Other reactions can lead to the partner feeling guilty for wanting to stay. These include reactions such as:

• “Once a cheater, always a cheater!”
• “How can you ever trust anything he says again?”
• “What message will you be teaching your kids if you stay?”

These messages can aid in the partner feeling like no one understands what she is going through. It can begin to feel like there is no help or support available for her, only the addict.

Partners of Sex Addicts Deserve Help Too

It is essential partners know the addict is not the only one who deserves help for healing. Loneliness and isolation do not have to be a life sentence that partners of sex addicts must bear. It is certainly acceptable for partners to seek out and insist that their own healing is also a priority.

It is equally important for betrayed spouses to connect with others who have been through similar situations, who can listen without judgment and who can offer unconditional support regardless of what relational path the partner decides take. There are others individuals out there with similar stories and individuals who have healed.

A variety of options are also available for spouses and partners who are seeking support and recovery. Partners can find a therapist who is trained in sex addiction work, attend an intensive weekend workshop, participate in groups designed to support and build a sense of community, or attend an inpatient program.

If you are seeking help for yourself or your addicted partner, Lauren Timmermans, trained Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, could help. Reach out today to see what may be the best fit for you.

WHY?!?! - Signed, Partners of Sex Addicts

Learning that your significant other has sexually betrayed you can feel like the equivalent of getting your heart ripped out, trampled on, chucked through a window, and possibly, doused with gasoline and then set on fire. Then, your partner asks you to forgive him or her; and you don't think you could ever be more furious, hurt, and disgusted.

These can be familiar emotions for the partners of sex addicts. Stories and behaviors may be different from couple to couple, but the damage is always the same - betrayal. Emotional, physical, sexual, and financial betrayal can feel devastating, overwhelming and gut-wrenchingly painful for a partner who once dreamed and hoped for having a healthy and committed relationship. Those dreams now appear shattered and the partner is left with the questions of "Why wasn't I enough?" "How could they do this to me?" And, "Where do I go from here?"

Sex addiction originates from an intimacy and attachment disorder that often began during childhood or young adult years. Many of the clients I have worked with as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist have been engaging in some type of dysfunctional, sexual fantasies, thoughts, and/or behaviors as far back as they can remember, far before ever meeting their current partner or spouse. Often times the addict's shame, due to behaviors and lies, will be deflected or projected onto the partner and the partner is the one that has to carry it.

Because intimacy is crucial and integral in couples, when it is destroyed or taken outside the primary relationship, the partner often takes it personally and looks at it as an attack on him or herself and who they are or who they are not. Many significant others will ask, "Why wasn't I attractive enough, sexual enough, loved enough to keep him/her with me?" My message to the betrayed partner is: "If there is one thing I want you to take away from your healing work, is that this behavior had nothing to do with what you have or have not done."

So if the partner did not cause the addiction and is not an addict themselves, then why may therapy be a good idea? I often hear from partners: "He is the sick one! He gets to get help and I get nothing but the damage he created!” My reply? The individuals within the coupleship both need to heal, first personally and then together.

Being betrayed can undoubtedly contribute to feelings of shame and unimportance that creates a profound wound within them. Pia Mellody defines trauma as "anything less than nurturing." Sexual betrayal would most definitely fit into this category based on the definition. Many partners experience symptoms of trauma such as hypervigilance, hopelessness, flashbacks and nightmares among other emotions. Shame and trauma need to be addressed for the partner to begin to heal. Even if the partner decides to move on from that relationship he or she will continue to be afflicted in life and in other relationships if not addressed.